Sunday, July 24, 2016

An open letter to the boy who tries to have my heart.

When u get to know me. I'm like a fun girl who is happy go lucky but deep within me, u know u cant handle such tantrum.

U cant handle the level of deepness that I asked for nor handling the level of demanding & hopes of mine.

U know u cant handle such roots that lingered on my vain. And u keep feeling the pain that u gained everytime I brought up another leaf.

U stayed tho it strangled u, u know in anytime my roots could kill you.

While you're blinded by my flowers you're already stabbed by my bushes over and over again.

Please go.

Thursday, July 07, 2016


YOU – more than anyone, needs to understand that it’s okay to not move on yet. It is you, who fathoms what you’re going through. Although it is improper to sit still and hang on to something that won’t ever be yours, it is not wrong to just stare at a blank space either. It’s not easy, I know! And you just have to accept the fact that really, it’s not simple to just leave. It just won’t happen overnight, and that’s reasonable enough.

Take as much time you need to heal and get patched up. You don’t have to forget, because ‘moving on’ is not about how much you’ve forgotten, but rather accounts for how much you’ve actually grown. Don’t worry, and just hang in there. Feel your pain . . .  as much as you want, you can torture yourself with all the precious memories you’re trying to hold on to. You can stay locked up, and you can cry your heart out. You don’t have to move on right away, just feel yourself, and accept that you’re hurting (and you’re hurting really bad).

There won’t be any easy way out, and you have to understand that. You can just take one step at a time. Don’t wait until ‘you are ready’ to finally walk away, because you will never be ready.

Engross yourself to every throbbing wound and let your body numb from all the excruciating pain. You can close your eyes when it hurts too much, and tear up if you need to . . . just allow yourself to actually live through the pain, and strengthen your heart from all the loss, grief and agony.

Time won’t heal you; it will only assist your recovery. Your decision to finally let go will be the main catalyst for your successful healing. If you’re choosing to hold on still, you can do that . . . you may hang on to the broken promises until your hands bleed from all the thorns and cracks.

You may hold on to the rope of deception all you want, and wait until the skin of your palms get ripped from the pressure and pride. You see, it all comes down to how much pain you are willing to endure. It all sums up to how much you respect yourself.

You can always decide to ‘not move on’ and fill your own pool of agony. You can also choose jump in to that pool and drown . . . these are all the choices you have to make. The point is that, you don’t have to rush; all you need to do is actually sit still, build immunity towards the pain, strengthen up your heart, load up your pocket with bravery and slowly pick yourself up. Rushing to ‘move on’ will only make the situation worse.

There are a number of things that will only get better through time, and your healing process is one of those. Choose to actually accept and learn to not hold back anymore, holding back will keep your hands occupied with what is supposed to be for gripping the future.

Believe that every single step, no matter how big or small will take you somewhere. . . You also have to maintain a momentum in order to keep your pace. Go on your own stride! Only you, can understand what you emotionally require . . . be brave! Don’t be scared . . . at the end of it, you will be just fine.

Taking the first step is always the hardest. Remember this – your first move will affect the rest of your journey. I hope you choose the path that will serve you right. I hope you stop arguing about the things you deserve because; YOU deserve every good thing in this world.

One day, you will thank those who pushed you away, those who made you come up with the verdict to ‘move on’, those who wounded you, those who left you . . . one day you will tell them just how grateful you are, for making you go through all the ache from the past.

One day you will understand that maybe, you had to be miserable in order to appreciate happiness, and when that day comes; I hope you realize just how strong you are – for actually lifting yourself up and repairing every single torn particle of your once shuttered humanity.  

- Thought Catalog

Wednesday, July 06, 2016

Battle Scars

It's a good thing knowing that he's happy and it is okay if I let myself lose just to see him smile again. Because if happy is her, I'm happy for you.

I know I've hurted you more than you deserve but I did it for the sake of care & love. Love is hard.. It is even harder after years together.. There's no relationship that doesn't even experience ups and downs. All we gotta do is be understanding & patient.

But this battle scars don't look like they're fading.. It hurts me more than it hurts him. I could be in a relationship by now but I chose not to. I honor & appreciate what we had & refused to replace it.

Let it fades slowly, this feeling is alive. To bury it for someone else while it still alive, isn't right.. I will let it die slowly.

Monday, July 04, 2016

Old soul

Signs that you might be an old soul:

1. You have a depth that belies your age. A gravity. A dignity. A maturity. Way beyond years you have lived on planet earth.

2. You are very wise. Your wisdom has nothing to do with knowledge. It is deep and ageless.

3. You are blunt and straightforward. You rarely tolerate nonsense. No One gets away with stupidity. You have zero tolerance for fake people.

4. You give space. You expect to given equal freedom. You cling to nothing and nobody.

5. You avoid all kinds of mental, emotional or psychological games. You prefer directness and absolute honesty

6. Having integrity is more important than being famous or being rich.

7. You value deep relationships. You invest hugely into people, both emotionally and physically. People are more important than things. You value connections.

8. You are not in the least interested in the lives of others. You mind your own business and expect others to mind their own.

9. Your vision is very broad. You think at a global level. Universal consciousness and conscience. Deforestation or nuclear war threat will distraught you more than some recent theft in the neighborhood.

10. Love will take precedence over everything. You will choose love over anything or everything.... every time.

11. You will be extremely empathetic. Very sensitive. Very compassionate.

12.You will have a deep sense of responsibility. You will never be casual in your approach to anything. Never flimsy. Never shallow.

13. Routine things will bore you. You will  always be trying to find new ways to enrich you life.

14. You will be interested in deeper truths. In eternal things.

15. Your loyalty will be towards a person. Never towards a cause.

16. You will be open and approachable. You will not be hiding behind masks. To  be real and authentic will be as important as breathing and as necessary.

17. You always felt old. Even your parents will  look immature and appear like kids to you. As if, you are their parent. Because of the maturity you have right from birth.

18. You will have a deep lightheartedness about you. You will refuse to be low, depressed, sad or serious for long.

19. You will be very interested in spirituality and true religion.

20. You will feel you have been born on a wrong planet, at a wrong time.

Words by: Urvashi Goja
Photo from:

Sunday, July 03, 2016

Self questionaire

I stumble upon this quotation and I like the way it brings the sensations to me. So in life, we will get thru a lot of shits and sometimes things weren't happened the way that we want it to be.

What I'm saying is, it is beyond our control and it's beyond our league. Someone said this before to me, luck is like a ball. U hang yourself entirely on that ball and it is up to you whether you want to move it or not.

So each time I roll my own ball, the luck keeps changing and I will meet different people. So go out and meet a lot of people as many as you want and as you could because you should.

We shouldn't settle for less because life is a 1 time trial but with long period and the cons is we don't know the due of our expiration day. So live in the moment & touch lives.

Do you know? We touch other lives often than we realize? When we smile to a person on the street, or somebody in front of you.. You put your mark in them, it's like "I was here!" in their life and even in their subsconcious mind. Now imagine how many lives have you touched?

I want to go out, I want to read books because books were originated from people's thoughts. I want to smile to strangers as many as I could, I want my fate and luck keeps changing. I will move my own ball..

The sad thing is, we often be prisoned by our own thoughts and insecurities. Well, don't be. We are all humans, we are soon will go back to where we came from.
Whenever you feel down, remember this.. "Dunia saja bah ni, at the end urusan kita dgn di atas saja."

If this is your life? Why don't you go out and keep living, loving your own life by being your own self?

Okay, that's all. Xx

What should I name this post?

You know what love is? It's a meta feeling it's an abstract. It is something that a person couldn't measure..

Have u ever felt before? When you look to that 1 certain person and your heart feels full. Mcm kena isi.. Berat, mcm banyak benda. But when you look to strangers dia jd ringan pula.

I guess thats how we measure love?

But why mine still feels so heavy? Whenver I look to that 1 certain person. And my eyes, they are heavy too. Teary eyes.

When can this heart be light again? As light as feather.. I want that.

Saturday, July 02, 2016


So here it goes, I have been asked too many times by strangers and also by my few friends.. They be like "Are you single?" "Boleh berkenalan?" And so on.

My answer is, yes I am single but I'm not available. Because I'm not ready to have any sort of serious relationship.

Yes boleh berkenalan but only as a friend. I guess I'm not ready at all, nope not at all. And one of them asked "then when will u be available?"

Hahahaha. Susah mau ckp bosku because love is so hard, I guess I just want peace on my mind.. Maybe a year? Uinah boleh kah begitu? Hmm. But the most important is, I'm going to love myself even when nobody seems to acknowledge my presence .

Okay, Xx

My phases.

Yesterday had been so tiring. My legs were all aching & I can't seem to stand longer than I should. The fact that those next few days I'll be having full time syif is so tiring..

Well, today I saw something. It breaks my heart to see it but what can I do? Who I am to you.. I'm just the girl in your past. But I know that I can handle it well..

Been starting exercising on my own & thanks for the guidance from my friend. Without him, I'll be a total noob. Well, I am. Hahahahaha. Oh yeah, I'm losing weight too! And I hope that my plan will go well on this coming September. I can't wait.

I don't know who will I go with but it's okay. Alone is equal to tranquil. Hehe. Thanks Lord for giving me chances to fix myself.

Meanwhile, I can't wait for my result to come out! Aiming for a better result here. Wish me luck!

Love, Me. Xoxo