Sunday, July 24, 2016

An open letter to the boy who tries to have my heart.

When u get to know me. I'm like a fun girl who is happy go lucky but deep within me, u know u cant handle such tantrum.

U cant handle the level of deepness that I asked for nor handling the level of demanding & hopes of mine.

U know u cant handle such roots that lingered on my vain. And u keep feeling the pain that u gained everytime I brought up another leaf.

U stayed tho it strangled u, u know in anytime my roots could kill you.

While you're blinded by my flowers you're already stabbed by my bushes over and over again.

Please go.

Thursday, July 07, 2016

IT IS OKAY. OKAY?

YOU – more than anyone, needs to understand that it’s okay to not move on yet. It is you, who fathoms what you’re going through. Although it is improper to sit still and hang on to something that won’t ever be yours, it is not wrong to just stare at a blank space either. It’s not easy, I know! And you just have to accept the fact that really, it’s not simple to just leave. It just won’t happen overnight, and that’s reasonable enough.

Take as much time you need to heal and get patched up. You don’t have to forget, because ‘moving on’ is not about how much you’ve forgotten, but rather accounts for how much you’ve actually grown. Don’t worry, and just hang in there. Feel your pain . . .  as much as you want, you can torture yourself with all the precious memories you’re trying to hold on to. You can stay locked up, and you can cry your heart out. You don’t have to move on right away, just feel yourself, and accept that you’re hurting (and you’re hurting really bad).

There won’t be any easy way out, and you have to understand that. You can just take one step at a time. Don’t wait until ‘you are ready’ to finally walk away, because you will never be ready.

Engross yourself to every throbbing wound and let your body numb from all the excruciating pain. You can close your eyes when it hurts too much, and tear up if you need to . . . just allow yourself to actually live through the pain, and strengthen your heart from all the loss, grief and agony.

Time won’t heal you; it will only assist your recovery. Your decision to finally let go will be the main catalyst for your successful healing. If you’re choosing to hold on still, you can do that . . . you may hang on to the broken promises until your hands bleed from all the thorns and cracks.

You may hold on to the rope of deception all you want, and wait until the skin of your palms get ripped from the pressure and pride. You see, it all comes down to how much pain you are willing to endure. It all sums up to how much you respect yourself.

You can always decide to ‘not move on’ and fill your own pool of agony. You can also choose jump in to that pool and drown . . . these are all the choices you have to make. The point is that, you don’t have to rush; all you need to do is actually sit still, build immunity towards the pain, strengthen up your heart, load up your pocket with bravery and slowly pick yourself up. Rushing to ‘move on’ will only make the situation worse.

There are a number of things that will only get better through time, and your healing process is one of those. Choose to actually accept and learn to not hold back anymore, holding back will keep your hands occupied with what is supposed to be for gripping the future.

Believe that every single step, no matter how big or small will take you somewhere. . . You also have to maintain a momentum in order to keep your pace. Go on your own stride! Only you, can understand what you emotionally require . . . be brave! Don’t be scared . . . at the end of it, you will be just fine.

Taking the first step is always the hardest. Remember this – your first move will affect the rest of your journey. I hope you choose the path that will serve you right. I hope you stop arguing about the things you deserve because; YOU deserve every good thing in this world.

One day, you will thank those who pushed you away, those who made you come up with the verdict to ‘move on’, those who wounded you, those who left you . . . one day you will tell them just how grateful you are, for making you go through all the ache from the past.

One day you will understand that maybe, you had to be miserable in order to appreciate happiness, and when that day comes; I hope you realize just how strong you are – for actually lifting yourself up and repairing every single torn particle of your once shuttered humanity.  

- Thought Catalog

Wednesday, July 06, 2016

Battle Scars

It's a good thing knowing that he's happy and it is okay if I let myself lose just to see him smile again. Because if happy is her, I'm happy for you.

I know I've hurted you more than you deserve but I did it for the sake of care & love. Love is hard.. It is even harder after years together.. There's no relationship that doesn't even experience ups and downs. All we gotta do is be understanding & patient.

But this battle scars don't look like they're fading.. It hurts me more than it hurts him. I could be in a relationship by now but I chose not to. I honor & appreciate what we had & refused to replace it.

Let it fades slowly, this feeling is alive. To bury it for someone else while it still alive, isn't right.. I will let it die slowly.

Monday, July 04, 2016

Old soul

Signs that you might be an old soul:

1. You have a depth that belies your age. A gravity. A dignity. A maturity. Way beyond years you have lived on planet earth.

2. You are very wise. Your wisdom has nothing to do with knowledge. It is deep and ageless.

3. You are blunt and straightforward. You rarely tolerate nonsense. No One gets away with stupidity. You have zero tolerance for fake people.

4. You give space. You expect to given equal freedom. You cling to nothing and nobody.

5. You avoid all kinds of mental, emotional or psychological games. You prefer directness and absolute honesty

6. Having integrity is more important than being famous or being rich.

7. You value deep relationships. You invest hugely into people, both emotionally and physically. People are more important than things. You value connections.

8. You are not in the least interested in the lives of others. You mind your own business and expect others to mind their own.

9. Your vision is very broad. You think at a global level. Universal consciousness and conscience. Deforestation or nuclear war threat will distraught you more than some recent theft in the neighborhood.

10. Love will take precedence over everything. You will choose love over anything or everything.... every time.

11. You will be extremely empathetic. Very sensitive. Very compassionate.

12.You will have a deep sense of responsibility. You will never be casual in your approach to anything. Never flimsy. Never shallow.

13. Routine things will bore you. You will  always be trying to find new ways to enrich you life.

14. You will be interested in deeper truths. In eternal things.

15. Your loyalty will be towards a person. Never towards a cause.

16. You will be open and approachable. You will not be hiding behind masks. To  be real and authentic will be as important as breathing and as necessary.

17. You always felt old. Even your parents will  look immature and appear like kids to you. As if, you are their parent. Because of the maturity you have right from birth.

18. You will have a deep lightheartedness about you. You will refuse to be low, depressed, sad or serious for long.

19. You will be very interested in spirituality and true religion.

20. You will feel you have been born on a wrong planet, at a wrong time.

Words by: Urvashi Goja
Photo from: redbubble.com

Sunday, July 03, 2016

Self questionaire

I stumble upon this quotation and I like the way it brings the sensations to me. So in life, we will get thru a lot of shits and sometimes things weren't happened the way that we want it to be.

What I'm saying is, it is beyond our control and it's beyond our league. Someone said this before to me, luck is like a ball. U hang yourself entirely on that ball and it is up to you whether you want to move it or not.

So each time I roll my own ball, the luck keeps changing and I will meet different people. So go out and meet a lot of people as many as you want and as you could because you should.

We shouldn't settle for less because life is a 1 time trial but with long period and the cons is we don't know the due of our expiration day. So live in the moment & touch lives.

Do you know? We touch other lives often than we realize? When we smile to a person on the street, or somebody in front of you.. You put your mark in them, it's like "I was here!" in their life and even in their subsconcious mind. Now imagine how many lives have you touched?

I want to go out, I want to read books because books were originated from people's thoughts. I want to smile to strangers as many as I could, I want my fate and luck keeps changing. I will move my own ball..

The sad thing is, we often be prisoned by our own thoughts and insecurities. Well, don't be. We are all humans, we are soon will go back to where we came from.
Whenever you feel down, remember this.. "Dunia saja bah ni, at the end urusan kita dgn di atas saja."

If this is your life? Why don't you go out and keep living, loving your own life by being your own self?

Okay, that's all. Xx

What should I name this post?

You know what love is? It's a meta feeling it's an abstract. It is something that a person couldn't measure..

Have u ever felt before? When you look to that 1 certain person and your heart feels full. Mcm kena isi.. Berat, mcm banyak benda. But when you look to strangers dia jd ringan pula.

I guess thats how we measure love?

But why mine still feels so heavy? Whenver I look to that 1 certain person. And my eyes, they are heavy too. Teary eyes.

When can this heart be light again? As light as feather.. I want that.

Saturday, July 02, 2016

Status?

So here it goes, I have been asked too many times by strangers and also by my few friends.. They be like "Are you single?" "Boleh berkenalan?" And so on.

My answer is, yes I am single but I'm not available. Because I'm not ready to have any sort of serious relationship.

Yes boleh berkenalan but only as a friend. I guess I'm not ready at all, nope not at all. And one of them asked "then when will u be available?"

Hahahaha. Susah mau ckp bosku because love is so hard, I guess I just want peace on my mind.. Maybe a year? Uinah boleh kah begitu? Hmm. But the most important is, I'm going to love myself even when nobody seems to acknowledge my presence .

Okay, Xx

My phases.

Yesterday had been so tiring. My legs were all aching & I can't seem to stand longer than I should. The fact that those next few days I'll be having full time syif is so tiring..

Well, today I saw something. It breaks my heart to see it but what can I do? Who I am to you.. I'm just the girl in your past. But I know that I can handle it well..

Been starting exercising on my own & thanks for the guidance from my friend. Without him, I'll be a total noob. Well, I am. Hahahahaha. Oh yeah, I'm losing weight too! And I hope that my plan will go well on this coming September. I can't wait.

I don't know who will I go with but it's okay. Alone is equal to tranquil. Hehe. Thanks Lord for giving me chances to fix myself.

Meanwhile, I can't wait for my result to come out! Aiming for a better result here. Wish me luck!

Love, Me. Xoxo

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Flowery Thoughts on midnight

It was weird, I no longer feel heavy pain. No longer after I knew about your new relationship. In fact, I can say that I'm okay. I'm ready for my changes in life! I'll be good and perhaps this is my time to shine again. I'm going to travel soon and I'll be alone! Heheheh I'm so excited! Good Lord, thank you.

Appreciation Post.

Hi, I'm supposed to be studying but here I am updating my blog after a long time. Well, life has been fair and square lately. I broke up with him again but this time I think it is for real. I was browsing through my pictures in laptop and my intention was to delete his pictures.. I finally gain the guts upon opening those files because I was scared, my hands went trembling whenever I tried to click it before this.. To be honest, I couldn't cope well with this intense emotions and I can't stand my heart pumping so fast and I felt my veins couldn't bare it any longer bcus my blood rushed too fast. 

First, I just promised myself on viewing it for the last time but I stumbled... I stumbled looking for his picture, I can feel my hands I can still feel the sensations on touching him. Why does those feelings is so hard to fade away?

Tried to cope and tackle my sadness by partying all night long, going out often, I didn't sit at home because home reminded me of him. But all I did was only to bring my mind closer to yhim and shit got real when I turned sober. My assignments gone bad, my school was dropping and I cried everyday. Well at least, I feel okay now. 

It turned out that I've heard the news that he got someone new. It was so hard to believe and so hard to come by because I was healing myself and then boom! another shocked news. I puked I vomited right away, it's like there was someone holding my throat and it got tight every second. I can't stand well, I walked like a crooked man. I ran to Vero, she was the one who consoled me. I didn't cry. Of course not in front of her but once I went back, the shit got real. I felt my chest tighten. I had asthma attack. After a long fucking time and my asthma returned. 

You were my world, even when you hurt me a lot of times I still spoke it out proudly that "he is my baby!". You were the one and only.. 

Well, he heard rumours on me having a new boyfriend. Well that mustn't be the excuse for him right? I don't have anyone and I would like to stay that way. I want to find myself, I want to have all those sensations back. Besides, I have never truly feel on being single. I choose to be single. I choose to have you in my head and to forget you slowly naturally not by having someone new into my life... 

Whatever it is, I do hope he's being good. I don't bare grudges to him neither to that girl. You guys will have my prayers. TBH, your name still included in my prayers. Be safe, be bold and be courageous dear Ex. Thank you for having me wasted your time for all these time. Thank you for our 5 years of relationship. Good or bad, you were one of those people who had uplifted me and shaped me. What I am today is also your efforts yesterday. Thanks.

Monday, April 07, 2014

Thank you :)

It feels good knowing that you're doing fine as day goes by. I will no longer feel worry about you.. You know it's really hurt for us to be apart but knowing that we already did anything that we could to hold it down, i feel no regrets. As day goes by, I learn how to be independent again because all these years, I relied everything on you; my thoughts, my weaknesses, my strenght. You know it all but time has changed and I have to stand up on my own again. I'm happy for you for the path that you chose. The thing is you know what you want and you sent me away straightly without any hesitation. I'm not blaming you anything cus I know you have endured it all for me. I hope in next years coming, we will always be like this; wishing each other to live a happy life. My prayers will always be with you. God knows well. I have no regrets, I enjoyed. Thank you PD.

Saturday, March 08, 2014

Thoughts that my little heart sang.

If I could turn back the hands of time
I swear I never would've crossed that line
I should of kept it between us
But, no, I went and told the whole world how I feel and oh
So I sit and I realize
With these tears falling from my eyes
I gotta change if I wanna keep you forever
I promise that I'm gonna try
But I never meant to hurt you
I know it's time that I learned to
Treat the people I love like I wanna be loved
This is a lesson learned
I hate that I let you down
And I feel so bad about it
I guess karma comes back around
'Cause now I'm the one that's hurting, yeah 

Wednesday, March 05, 2014

This is not good

Ahah i'm in the stage of life where evrything is so hard! I cant sleep well and i dont know why. I hope that my repeat paper will turn out to be okay cause i cant bare to face the failure anymore. So yeah, uni life. Wait for me? Ahah hopefully. Fingers crossed. Ahhhhh to YOU, you are still in my lonely mind. :)

It hurts.

I saw him today and i bet u cant imagine how happy i am and at the same time how sad i am. Because that someone who is very dear to me, left me. I cant stand the fact that he is not mine anymore that i cant hold onto him like i used to, i cant see him smile and laugh like i used to. To be honest i miss everything about him and there's no day that i dont think of him. Yes, i think of him that often and i know that he is so happy now. He got a new job, he got his friends and the life that he wanted all this time. For me to interupt him back, it is not fair and it's so selfish. I will let him go and let him live the way he wanted to live because if he really want to be with me, he'll stay. I let myself hurt more and i confronted my pain and fears so it can be easier for me to move on. If one day you remember, pls know that i'm always behind u because all this time thats where i'm belong, behind you. I saw him twice and he looked so good, so well and happy. I hope you will find someone that is worth your time. Why you rushed to be in a relationship in the first place? You should have known me better before you took me as your gf. Now you cant even accept my flaws, instead you dumped me and sent me away. Talked about me, my flaws and our probs to your friends wont settle a thing and wont change a thing. I hope u will learn on how to communicate with your next partner so it will not gone worst like this. I wish you well.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Me and You.

My boyfriend and I didn't get along. Baby, I miss you so

If i have my own garden, it would be full with varieties of flowers because you make me happy everyday. Trust me.

New Updates.

Well hello there, there's nothing much that happened lately but I'm currently struggling to do my assignments. I'm a Pre-U student and i don't even want to enter form 6. It sucks. Life as a student is so terrifying, eh no? okay how about miserable? Yeah it suits better. So, there's actually  2 months left before my final exam, CAN YOU IMAGINE IT? I haven't done any revision yet! Wish me luck guys. My parents seem putting high hopes in me. I ain't genius :(

Sunday, February 03, 2013

FEARLESS




Fear can only ruin your life if you will allow for it to. In our lives we can try to bypass our fears by staying away from them as much as possible, but to truly conquer each fear we must step up to it, and take it on. We can only defeat something if we are willing to compete against it, and with a strong heart, a determined attitude, and an unbreakable will, there is nothing in this world we can't defeat if we give it our all.




In order to get what you really desire out of life, you have to be willing to have faith. If you don't believe it, you won't achieve it, and if you do believe it, you will. Believing that you will actually see the victory that you set out for, is hard to do when you are actually faced with adversity, but we have to remember that without adversity God cannot help our faith to grow.



♡life cycle♡


“Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.”― Dr. Seuss
“You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching,
Love like you'll never be hurt,
Sing like there's nobody listening,
And live like it's heaven on earth.”― William W. Purkey
“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”― Oscar Wilde
“Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it.” ― Mother Teresa
“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”― Dr. Seuss
“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.”― Albert Einstein
“If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there.”― Lewis Carroll
“Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”― George Bernard Shaw
“Where there is love there is life.”― Mahatma Gandhi

Saturday, February 02, 2013

♡LOVE♡






♡ He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. 
But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if 
he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the 
most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every 
moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. 
Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. 
Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and 
miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. 
Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s 
always one guy that is perfect for you.

Listen out guys!

✐ Behind every untrusting girl, is a guy who made her that way